After watching my very first dailies, I could see I didn't "pop" the way an actress should "pop" on screen. I was depressed. I knew I didn't have "it", I could see that. And this person could see that, clearly. I suppose to spare me years of heart ache, this person felt it important to let me know straight out- I wasn't pretty enough to really make it and if I wanted to be an actress badly enough, I should try to fashion my career after someone like Frances McDormand who is not beautiful, but a strong talent.
All I heard was that this person did not think I was beautiful.
So, I tried to get beautiful by starving myself and dying my hair and exercising. But it never worked because every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was Frances McDormand in Fargo (which had just come out the year that comment was made) and I gave up -- on myself.
And, for a long time I thought I quit acting because I wasn't pretty enough.
Today, I am a writer and if you spit on this blog and call it garbage and tell me it's ugly and not worth the cyberspace it's saved on... I will take that feedback and write about how it makes me feel. I will always write. Nothing can stop me. I have to write this blog/poem/song/story/screenplay/stage play/teleplay/thought down or I will die. I need it that much.
I realize now, I gave up acting because I didn't love it enough to withstand the hardships.
It was terrible advice, what that person said to me years ago... Anyone can be what Hollywood considers beautiful. Anyone can "pop". Just ask Jennifer Aniston or Ashley Simpson. A little boob job, hair extensions, juice fast, personal trainer, plastic surgery can go a long way for a plain looking actress... the question was back then, and still is today: how bad do you want it?
If I had loved acting as much as I do writing, I would have laughed in that person's face and said: "Hey Dad, go fuck yourself."
But I didn't love acting enough to withstand the hardships.
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